Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
