Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
