Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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