she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it glows. i had to have it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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