when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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