He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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