I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just invented taco cereal.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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