I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
