don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
