the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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