I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
