Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
