considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize