She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize