cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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