we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
