i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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