After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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