I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
