Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
