someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
