So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
