I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
