i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
