My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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