If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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