I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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