Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I AM VODKA MAN
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
