Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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