Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
