I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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