I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
