Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
