I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
