If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
