I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
