Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize