That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
