Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize