I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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