i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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