did you get engaged???
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I need to calm my uterus...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize