I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There are leaves in my underwear?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
