Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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