the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
