apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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