So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
