i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
