I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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