who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
