Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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