Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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