do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize