He told me they were just razor bumps!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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