The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
