If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize