You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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