believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
