I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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