I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
