why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have aggressive nipples.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
